advice from peanuts
by Cranberry Octopus
Summary: Kakashi had a fairly rough childhood, and living his life alone really didn't help the whole socializing thing.  So he considered himself to be well versed in harsh times.  Somethings, Kakashi noticed, were just not fair.  At all.  Ever. One-shot.


Title: The Peanut Gallery  
Characters: Kakashi, Sakura, Raidou, Genma, Tenzou/Yamato, Hayate, Sasuke, Naruto, The Wonder Twins, Sai  
Pairing: Bwahaha, _guess_.  
Summary: When Sakura came back from her first six-month, solo mission in Suna, Kakashi didn't think there would be any changes. Oh, he had no idea how _wrong_ he was; so, so _very_ wrong. So wrong, in fact, that Kakashi should not have to witness such a change. Granted, to anyone else besides an observant sensei, it really wasn't that big of a change. It was just more… _noticeable_. And bigger, much _bigger_. It was also proportionate and… ample.  
Warning: Completely crack.  
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.  
Beta: Paisley May. It's her fault if you find mistakes. =P

* * *

When Sakura came back from her first six-month, solo mission in Suna, Kakashi didn't think there would be any changes. Oh, he had no idea how _wrong_ he was; so, so _very_ wrong. So wrong, in fact, that Kakashi should not have to witness such a change. Granted, to anyone else besides an observant sensei, it really wasn't that big of a change. It was just more… _noticeable_. And bigger, much _bigger_. It was also proportionate and… ample.

Kakashi inwardly groaned. Why? _Why_ did it have to be _his_ student? She was so innocent and gentle (to him, at least) and now she was not innocent, not innocent _at all_. Now she was a full-grown woman. Sakura, his Sakura-chan, had grown beautiful, voluptuous breasts.

And Genma – of all people, _why_ did it have to be Genma? – was there to witness this change. And Raidou was there, too. And Tenzou. And Hayate. He was just glad Asuma – rest his soul – wasn't there to rub it in his face. Obnoxiously, he might add. Well, they were all obnoxious, especially Genma, but Asuma was the only one who basically shared his pain. And he was dead.

Great.

Oh, look: it's the wonder twins. Great, just _great_. Borderline spectacular. In fact, it could even be borderline sadistic on Kami's side because, really, at this point, Kakashi _knew_ that _someone up there_ was taking sides; and it wasn't his. Oh, and the fact that more witnesses were added into the mix just made everything more enjoyable for Genma. Kakashi could practically sense his amusement; he was probably grinning, too. Dare he take a look back? Dare he glance at –

He was grinning at him. Jerk. He was an even bigger jerk now because he was _there_. Witnessing. More witnesses to… _witness_ Sakura's growth and development; he hated his life. Kakashi glowered at the pair and they stopped walking mid-step. Izumo coughed uncomfortably and side-stepped away, dragging Kotetsu with him.

"Kakashi-sensei!"

And all the men gathered around Kakashi's back in amused and surprised shock. The tone of her voice was like running water on a spring day. Like the sound like a bird's insistent chirping outside of someone's window. It sounded so… _sensual_. Oh, god, someone _was_ taking sides!

Kakashi swallowed thickly. She even _sounded_ like a woman now, too. He then began to panic and fan himself with his book. Kami, he wasn't ready for this! Someone should have prepared him for this! Why hadn't anyone prepared him for this? He looked at his book and almost threw it at Genma (because, even though Sakura was now in his presence, he was **still** laughing) because that is what got him into his mess! That stupid book of his was making him think… _things_. He was hyperventilating now. All he needed now was a paper bag and someone to catch him.

As he tried to calm his nerves, he reminded himself that things couldn't possibly get worse; that, even though Sakura looked really, really… _something_, nothing else could make the situation more awkward. And he believed that.

Before Genma ruined it.

A hand clapped onto the copy-nin's shoulder as the owner of the offending hand _just made things worse_. And wolf-whistled. _At his student_! "Well, would you look at that?"

'_No_,' he was about to retort back, '_No, do not look at_ that, _because_ that _happens to be my student_.' But instead, he just eye-creased (like the faker he was), subtly elbowed Genma in the ribs and pretended that the senbon wielding ninja did not exist. "Ah, Sakura-chan." he greeted.

"Hi, sensei. So what brings…" she trailed off, noticing the ever growing Peanut Gallery behind him, "… _all of you_ here?" She was confused; that much was obvious. He really couldn't blame her because Kakashi would be confused, too, if those things just showed up in no time. And so nicely too – ew. _Ew_. A thorough mind-shower would be need after this.

And maybe a cold one, too. Just to be safe.

But she was still his little Sakura-chan. No matter what happened, Sakura would always be Sakura and nothing would change that. As she got closer, Kakashi noticed that even her outfit changed. It was shorter and revealed her sweet, sweet thighs. (Oh gods, he was a pervert! Scum of the earth! Vile and slimy and icky and gross.) The shirt was now a tank top and revealed quite a lot of cleavage. Screw what he said before! Everything he knows is a** lie** and it was replaced by someone attractive! _Why_? Why him?

Kakashi winced. "Oh, you know, just hanging out." he replied nonchalantly.

Genma snorted behind him. "So," the brunette nin whispered into his ear, "How old is she, again?"

Sakura was just out of earshot but she still got the view of Genma trying to seduce her sensei as everyone else leaned in and watched. Kakashi visibly swallowed and answered.

"Eighteen." he inwardly sighed as Genma _got down on his knees_ (drama queen) and began to praise Kami for this piece of information. Seriously. Why couldn't Genma die instead? After he was done being a complete and total moron, he got up and fist-bumped with Raidou. Oh no, this was not good. He had to get her out of here. He had to hide her somewhere! Didn't she know the consequences of looking like that?

Sakura giggled as Genma said some stupid pick-up line to her. He hated his life. Really. He did. Wait –

"Hey, Genma, I think Raidou is calling you."

"No, I'm not. I'm right here-" this was when he was stabbed in the gut by Kakashi's elbow. Raidou coughed and tried to recover when he noticed the kunoichi looking at him. "I mean – uh – _yeah_, do you want some coffee? I'm about to go for a run."

Genma grinned and pulled out a few notes. "Triple grande caramel macchiato."

Apparently, since Genma was getting coffee, that meant everyone was getting coffee. Raidou glared at Kakashi; he beamed at him and the look of sweet,_ sweet_ revenge in physical form taking place.

"I'll have a double venti mocha latte." Hayate said quickly.

"Grande espresso con panna."

"Venti caffé latte."

"Grande vanilla cappuccino." Everyone paused to look at Izumo. Eh, they expected it. "He'll have the same." And that they did not.

Sakura snorted into her hand. Half of the males sighed at this - because her chest heaved - while the other half laughed along with her. This received a glare from Izumo. "Sorry. Um, can I have a triple grande caramel macchiato?"

And that was the day Genma swears he fell in love. "Sakura!" he yelled dramatically to catch her off guard. When she was distracted, Genma took the opportunity to pull her into his arms, suavely dip her low and show the world just how much of a jackass he really was and her cleavage. Eh, why not? He just found his soul mate!

"Yes… Genma?" she asked sweetly, but she was really shooting Kakashi a '_get-him-off-me_' look.

"We have so much in common! We should-"

Kakashi tuned Genma's chatter out and yanked Raidou over. "If you know what's good for your friend, you'll _get him off her_."

"-Genma-senpai, I really don't think that we should-"

"Nonsense!"

Kakashi growled under his breath. "_**Now**_."

"Hey Genma, how about you _not_ get murdered this fine morning and get away from the kunoichi?"

"But-"

"Dude! This is your life I'm talking about. It's not worth it!" Even though, Raidou severely disagreed with that statement because Sakura was now hot and legal, and the only thing standing in the way of getting her affection was an over protective, six-foot-something, copy-ninja who happens to be her adoptive father.

Genma gave Sakura a 'kicked puppy' look before sighing in despair and trudging over to Hayate. "_I hate my life_."

"I'm pretty sure Kakashi does, too."

"Kakashi?" Raidou asked expectantly.

Kakashi snapped out of his trance and blinked. "Black." he grounded out, glaring at Genma. Genma shrunk back. Kakashi felt no guilt. "_Black Coffee_." _Like the depths of his soul_. Really! He deserved it! This was a time of crisis! It was not the time to flirt with his student. In fact, there is** never** going to be a time to flirt with his student because she was off-limits. Completely!

The pink-haired kunoichi sighed. "Are you okay, Kakashi-sensei?"

He gave her his signature eye-crease. "I'm fine, Sakura."

"Why was he acting that way? I mean, it's not like he hasn't seen me before."

Oh, boy. Here he goes. "Well, you – uh – you seemed to have changed."

"Yeah," Genma mocked, "_A lot_."

The Hatake was about five seconds away from maiming Genma with his bare hands. This would so much easier if the peanut gallery wasn't there to comment on it. Really. How was he supposed to put this? "You – uh – well, you've _grown_."

Genma snorted. And got dropped kicked by Yamato. Kakashi gave him an appreciative glance; at least someone was on his side.

"What are you talking about? I'm exactly the same size!"

Raidou threw a grin at Genma, Genma grinned back, and Kakashi saw this and knocked their heads together. "Actually," he began, wincing at direction this conversation was going and he _really_ didn't like where this was going. "You – uh – you have! Definitely. Uh – _grown_. Yeah." The copy-nin pulled on his collar. Who in their right mind would wear such a thing in the middle of summer? Oh, that's right, him, because showing any sort of skin might make him look human. Or worse, he could burn from the hot intensity of the sun because he was a _vampire_.

It was one of the theories Naruto thought of. Another involved a very nice man –

Her brow creased and she gave her former sensei a confused pout. Oh_ Kami-sama_, that should be illegal. "No, I haven't."

"Yes you have." When did his voice get so high? Behind him, Genma was having a giggle fit with Hayate, Izumo and Kotetsu were busy pretending to not eavesdrop and Yamato, well, he was pretty busy with _other things_ on his minds. And Kakashi? Well, he was too busy trying to not look at Sakura's _developments_. Sakura's brow creased in confusion.

"I'm sorry, I don't – I don't get it."

"Oh, trust me, Sakura, you've got it. In fact, you have more now than you did before-" Genma squeaked out in pain. Yamato leaned over the man to confirm to Hayate that, yes, Kakashi did elbow Genma in the ribs, again. Izumo begrudgingly handed over a few notes to a very smug looking Raidou.

Fortunately, Sakura didn't notice this (or maybe she pretended, because no one could be _that oblivious_) and rushed over to Genma, hands already glowing green with healing chakra. "Genma! Did you hurt yourself in mission or something? Really. You must be in a lot of pain if you keep hunching over."

Kakashi looked utterly petrified. This, obviously, was the exact opposite of what Kakashi had wanted to happen. But it was too late now, and the worst part was that he had done it himself. Before Sakura could reach Genma, Kakashi tugged on the back of her shirt and yanked her back. "He's fine."

"But he's-"

"An idiot, I know, but he's fine."

The pinkette looked up at her sensei would the most peculiar look upon her face. "Kakashi-sensei, what if he's really hurt?"

"He's faking it."

"Oi! I am not-"

Kakashi smiled evilly, "See? If he were really hurt, he wouldn't be able to talk."

The kunoichi didn't believe him for one second but opted to ignore his weird behavior and wait for her coffee. "Kakashi-sensei, why are you acting so weird?"

"Yeah," Genma wheezed. "Why are you acting so weird?"

"Is there something everyone else knows that I don't?"

_OHMYGOD, YES._ He wanted to shout. "No. Not really."

"Oh, for the love of – just tell her!" Hayate yelped when Tenzou abruptly shoved him into the ground and _then ignored him_ as if nothing happened.

Why did he have to be the one to tell her? The parenting books Yamato was always reading should have prepared him for this. "Well, Sakura, there comes a time in everyone's life when a change happens upon them and your change happens to be a little-"

"Oh, my gosh, _what_ are you talking about?"

The silver-haired ninja wiped a hand over his face in exasperation. Did her parents teach her nothing when she was a child? Surely the academy mentioned something about puberty. Just what were they teaching kids these days? "Well, um-" his voice reached a new octave that he never quite tried before and then he made a vague hand gesture toward her upper torso, "-certain aspects of your physique have formed into something more aesthetically pleasing and apparently, the un-fairer sex seems to not have the ability to handle quite a drastic change." He explained, hoping to confuse her with all the big words he used.

It took a total of three seconds for Sakura to figure it out. "What the hell - ARE YOU PERVING OVER _MY BOOBS_?"

"In a word: yes and no."

"That was three and EW! You're my sensei! You can't look at me that way!"

Kakashi blanched. "No, no, no – Sakura! You've got it all wrong! I'm not the one ogling you like a piece of meat – everyone else is!"

Sakura glanced back at the peanut gallery that had formed ever since this dreaded conversation started. "Yamato-san?" The brunette looked away and focused his gaze on a mysteriously appearing tree. "Wait – ALL OF YOU WERE PERVING OVER ME?" She hit Kakashi on the arm. Hard.

He looked absolutely scandalized. "I wasn't looking at you like that! Now, come on, let's get you out of those clothes-"

"Damn, Kakashi!" Genma howled from the ground.

And everyone else even had the gall to look terrified. "Kakashi-sensei! I can't believe you would suggest-"

"-and into more appropriate ones." He finished, clearly annoyed that she suspected him of lecherous things.

"Oh," she blushed prettily, and Kakashi had to resist the urge to drag her back to her apartment so she could stop attracting more men! "Well, I don't need protecting," she retorted, "I am almost nineteen, you know, you can't keep protecting me forever."

The copy-nin then muttered something that strangely resembled 'I sure as hell can try' and gave her a guilty look.

Sakura smiled at him, and if he didn't look so upset right now, she may have kicked him in the groin for thinking she was weak. "Really. I'm an adult now. Do you honestly think you can keep me from pervy men forever?" He gave her a desperate look and as much as it annoyed her, she knew that his heart was in the right place. Ever since they had gotten Sasuke back, he'd come to realize that he left his only female student in the dust. And now, much to her displeasure, he was trying to redeem himself by protecting her and shielding her from everything remotely harmful.

He really deserved to be kicked in the crotch.

But he was one of her boys, and they were all adorable, no matter what kind of insane ideas they had in their heads. "Kakashi-sensei." She cooed. "You're really upset about this."

"Just a little," he admitted, rubbing the back of his head somewhat bashfully.

Her eyes softened a little. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"I get it," she giggled, "You're worried about me and you don't quite know how to deal with… my changes. You would think that with all of those parenting books Yamato reads that you would have a clue, but apparently not."

He gave her an eye-crease. "Apparently not."

"Come on, you can walk me home and make sure my outfit is _age appropriate_."

"You have Hokage robes at your house?" he asked, ruffling her hair and letting the same hand rest on her shoulder.

"They're not that unattractive."

Genma scratched his head as soon as Raidou helped him off the ground. How on earth did Kakashi get Sakura to forget about their perverted thoughts so easily? But, as soon as he was beginning to doubt the world, Kakashi inclined his head back toward the group and gave them the smuggest eye-crease he could muster.

* * *

A/N: So, review? Let me know what you think. It's been a while.


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